Attributed

• I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.
• I never saw a mob rush across town to do a good deed.
• I've known countless people who were reservoirs of learning, yet never had a thought.
• If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; If you steal from many, it's research.
• The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
• I can usually judge a fellow by what he laughs at.
• A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while knows something.
• God help those who do not help themselves.
• Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet 'em on your way down.
• Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.
• The only sure thing about luck is that it will change.
• A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions.
• The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
• The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.
• Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.
• The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.
• Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
• When a woman tells you her age, it's all right to look surprised, but don't scowl.
• Most open minds should be closed for repair.
• The life of the party almost always winds up in a corner with an overcoat thrown over him.
• I hate careless flattery- the kind that exhausts you in your effort to believe it.
• To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.
• You sparkle with larceny.
• He'd steal a hot stove and come back for the smoke.
• You're a mouse studying to be a rat.
• On Hollywood: a trip through a sewer in a glass-bottom boat.
• Working for Warner Brothers is like fucking a porcupine: it's a hundred pricks against one.
• Over in Hollywood they almost made a great picture, but they caught it in time.
• On his deathbed, to a priest: Why should I talk to you? I've just been talking with your boss.
• A drama critic is a person who surprises the playwright by informing him what he meant.